My life has felt very dissatisfying lately.
I feel tremendously guilty even thinking that. I have a lot of things to be thankful for: my health, my family, a healthy, happy child, a job that pays me (just) enough to enable my wife to be a stay-at-home mom, a house (albeit rented) in a comfortable, safe neighborhood, a car that runs well, money in the bank, good health benefits, and many, many material things that make my life comfortable.
The biggest problem I face these days is getting my TV to pick up a good signal from the local FOX affiliate so I can watch the American Idol auditions without snow on the screen. (We decided to forego cable or satellite in order to save money. We therefore have a 42" screen with bunny ears.)
There are many who would kill for my existence. So what the hell am I bitching about?
Maybe it's that fabled Mid-Life Crisis. But I don't think a new Boxster or even the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile would fill the hole (and for fellow fans of The Office, all together now - "That's what she said.") Sure, the acquisition would feel good for a season, as I heard in church last Sunday, but once the novelty wore off, then what? And I don't think pursuing a cheerleader who looks like Mena Suvari would do much good either.
I thought it was my job, but maybe that's because I've been there long enough now (9 months) to see a lot of the office politics. Sure, I could go look for a new job right now, but once I got one, I'd probably start feeling the same way after 9 months there.
I feel like I'm just existing right now. As if I'm a drone in some science-fiction writer's dystopian society that gets up, goes to work, comes home, pays bills, watches TV, goes to sleep, then gets up to do it again the next day. And so on and so on.
I try to console myself with the fact that enabling my daughter to grow up healthy and happy is in itself an achievement. But it doesn't seem to be enough. I feel like I'm not making a difference in this world. I feel like I'm wasting the gifts God gave me.
I am working on an outline for my novel. But even after I write the damned thing, I know myself well enough to predict that I won't feel fulfilled until it's been published.
I suspect that I need to find some way to give back to the universe in general. Maybe I need to adopt a charity or do some volunteer work or something. There are a number of causes I'm passionate about. Maybe I need to physically do something to further them?
Anyone else out there ever feel like this?
3 comments:
Has anyone else felt this way? You kidding? That's how i spent the 90's..as corny as it sounds, it was the "Power of Now" on cassette that woke me up, got me motivated, and got me into action. I have it on cd if you want, you can listen to it in the car.
Dick
I dunno. It seems that most of us just naturally focus more on what we don't have than what we do have. I've lately been feeling much the same way, despite all that for which I'm thankful. I expect it to pass. It has before. Besides, I'm sure I wouldn't make it a week in a fast food place before getting canned.
Yes, everybody feels that way. Try to remember not to compare your insides with other people's outsides. I mean, someone may have what seems like everything, and in reality they feel like crap.
And I know of the office politics, having worked where you do. Just remember, there will be problems at every job. And that place? Really kind of cool place to work, despite the drama. Or maybe because of it, a little.
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